When we were 10 and up in the tree house, Stage One of that was just about as much fun as we could stand . . . especially if the matches were applied at the right moment for pyrotechnic enhancement, rather than after the fact merely to consume the fumes. At 40, in the boss’s office, even the first step is a nightmare. Any time, any age, anywhere, for anybody, the last stage or two is no fun at all. Wish you could prevent it? Wish you had a clue what causes it?

Many people do know what causes their gastrointestinal upset, and can avoid it. For millions of lactose-intolerant people, it’s milk and milk products, and Lactaid or acidophilus fixes it. For beans, it’s gradual increases and/or Beano. In both of those common cases, our bodies lack an enzyme or the specific bacteria necessary to digest certain sugars in the offending food. The right pill supplies the missing ingredients so we can enjoy those foods even if we’re adults in the boardroom. For other misdiagnosed IBS sufferers, the fix is more fiber and fluids and less refined flour.

But milk, beans, and white bread explain “only” a few million scores of faux IBS patients. Another 20 million bloated, flatulent, miserable gasbags don’t realize their nemesis is high fructose corn syrup (HFCS). It’s significantly cheaper than ordinary sugar, and much sweeter, so food manufacturers (oxymoron alert!) love it. That it gives millions of people gastrointestinal misery and millions of their friends olfactory misery doesn’t bother the food manufacturers, because a lawsuit over flatulence probably won’t fly. It may burn, it may even clear the courtroom, but it won’t fly.

The obvious solution? Avoid it. The drawback? It’s everywhere. Read the list of ingredients on the labels on everything from soup to health (yeah ... right!) bars. If you suspect it makes you unpopular, try avoiding corn syrup for a week and see if the cloud dissipoots ... er ... dissipates. Foods to start with in your experiment include colas, fruit drinks, chewing gum, cookies, gum, jams, jelly and baked goods -- anything made with HFCS. If the air clears up, the dog returns from the pig pen, your Mom will visit again, and your spouse will sleep in the same room again, you may have identified one problem. Ask your doctor to give you a simple blood test, maybe even a simpler breath test, to check for fructose intolerance.

Gas won’t kill anyone unless they get too close to an open flame, but other problems HFCS promotes can kill. You’ve probably heard of them: obesity, heart disease, and diabetes.